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~ Tuesday, 7 June 2011
The press biog states that a pair of music students from Jersey, Anthony Walker and Terry Emm have recorded this self-titled album through, ‘the frustration of being on a music course and the incredibly hard task of trying to earn money in the music business’. Get the tissues out and see if Mario the violin player can come in for a few hours, poor boys. I approached the CD dreaming of a Derek and Clive discovery or a new Flight of the Conchords type sensation as we all love the comedy album don’t we? Billy Connolly, Eddie Murphy, The Pythons, The Macc Lads and Chubby Brown even! At some point in the evening we look for a laugh. Well this isn’t it and to quote the biog again, ‘This is an album like no other’.

Join The Navy is just cringey, badly written, supposed to be funny bollocks and I’m hoping it’s not setting a theme for the rest of the album because there’s another 9 tracks to go. My Dabid Icke really is awful. First of all the vocals are buried in the production, probably because they’re not funny for a start and secondly because the producer turned them down. Now I might be wrong but I would take a guess and say that the vocals are quite important on a comedy album aren’t they? It also has an unfunny and non-ironic piano solo and I must be missing the point of such genius surrealism.

Best Damn Wolf is just a bit better. The vocals are louder for a start, but they are doing a Wurzels type farmer accent, very challenging that university course eh? Can you do Margaret Thatcher or David Bellamy? It’s about a wolf by the way. Does anyone fancy a pint? The chorus chimes, ‘You gotta be the best damn wolf you know you can be’. As opposed to being an excellent badger or a 1st class blue tit? Also one of these c**ts sings in an American accent like the di*k out of Weezer. It wasn’t better actually; I’m starting to get the fear. Binman is a song about the daily routine of a Binman. I’m torn between praising them for the refreshing detail documented about this occupation or more realistically I’m fuming with them for trying to take the piss out of this profession. Are Binmen funny, poor little students? I bet spending half an hour at the dump listening to the people that work there would be a thousand times funnier than this condescending s*it.

Land Of The Dinosaurs is worse if that’s possible. Brett and Jermaine and Howard and Vince have nothing to worry about. Come to think about it, neither does Lenny Henry. Confession actually has four lines of some sort of humour type dialogue but is then followed by absolute carnage. Reading more of the press statement, this duo actually have dedicated hard-core followers. Replies on a stamped addressed envelope please in this week’s competition to find a name for these wa*kers. I’m starting to think there was no other way to market this guff, “I know let’s say it’s a comedy album.”
Kozzalekk sounds like Weezer and Faith No More underwater. Again, there is a piano solo and I’m wondering if he was pulling a funny face whilst playing it. Restaurant is more observational observation about a Restaurant. Did it have nice toilets? There is a real attempt at comedy on the track Football. This lasts one and a half minutes and then somebody wakes the fu**ers up again. Sorry about the profanity but I don’t get paid for this! They sing, ‘There’s a nice old man, I wouldn’t call him a fan, he told me that he hates me.’ That’s two of us then.

At last the end with R U Sitting On A Goldmine? This states that this album has been ‘commissioned’. I dug deeper and found on the CD booklet that none other than one of these dweebs’ Dad ‘commissioned’ the CD. That’s an interesting term, ‘commissioned’ isn’t it? Is that the same as your daddy paid for this digital tantrum? Just like those idiot parents on the X Factor and Britain’s Got Toilets who say their kid really ‘wants this’ and deserves a shot at the big time without actually ever listening to this supposed talent, this man has indulged his son and ‘commissioned’ the whole shebang. How will you face you’re friends down at the Bergerac’s? As funny as a hardened haemorrhoid.


Review by Captain Dhilin Kunderan